What Am I Working For?

21 Sep

I was reading Kathleen’s blog post today about what she wants out of her life, and I was reading my friend Liz’s blog about motivation, and how it’s hard for her to get motivated now that she doesn’t have as much structure in her life, and I realized that this is a topic that’s sort of been knocking around in my head for the past couple of months (uhh… now that I think about it, it’s been more like a year).


I consider myself a really driven person, but at the same time, I am not so motivated. By this, I mean that if I have a good idea/plan/thought, I will not rest until it’s completed. I’ll work on a project for hours, and it will feel like minutes. I’ll make six trips to 3 different Targets to get twinkle lights, and spend hours poking them through holes I’ve drilled in canvas. I’ll stay up all night making cards for someone, then rip off the photos and remake them because they were wrinkled. I’ll move my piano from one room to the other, from wall to wall, and I can’t let it go until I’ve found the right location for it.

I love being in this state. It might not seem fun to an outsider, and I’m sure David could do without any more impromptu midnight furniture moving sessions, but it’s my favorite way to be.

On the flip side, when I am not in the middle of a project, or I haven’t started looking for an idea, it almost impossible to get started. For example, by writing this blog post, I am procrastinating on getting started on a project. I sit down to that blank page, and suddenly I need to clean my bathroom, wash my dog, pick my split ends, really anything. I can spend weeks in this state, feeling uninspired and unmotivated. It really sucks.

I realized (because it was pointed out to me by other bloggers, whose blogs I was reading when I was, that’s right, procrastinating) that it’s easy to feel unmotivated when I don’t feel like I’m working toward anything, both in my personal and professional life. Like Kathleen, I need to move forward, but most importantly, I need to know what I’m moving toward.

I want:

+ To feel safe and content enough to want to push my own boundaries/fears.

+ To let the good parts of my work enrich my whole life – and to leave the bad parts of my work at my desk.

+ To have a community of family, friends, and co-workers and feel like I am an important part of that community. I want to feel like I belong in my own right. Since I like being alone, it’s easy for me to forget how almost 100% of the time, I’m glad I left the house and did something, instead of staying home and watching tv. I want to remember how enriching it can be to put in the effort.

+ To be really good at yoga.

+ To quietly and genuinely appreciate each day, and enjoy the moments, instead of feeling vaguely panicky, as though there were something I could be doing to appreciate my life better.

+ To actually do all the things I say I want to do, like kayaking, or decorating the apartment for Halloween, or finding a zipline tour place locally, or going apple picking, or going on a wine tasting tour. If there was a person out there who did all those things, I would be so jealous of their life, so why can’t that person be me?

+ To have 3 different flavors of home-made ice cream in the freezer at all times.


These aren’t exactly goals that I will ever be able to say I have definitively achieved, but in this case, that’s kind of the point. This is more of a framework for the kind of life I want.

What kind of life do you want?

2 Responses to “What Am I Working For?”

  1. Liz at 10:43 am #

    I know exactly how you feel. Yesterday, I was actually motivated to do something and to work on a project, so I did for 5 hours and was happy to be doing it. But before I ever actually start something, I need that push, or else I find myself watching endless episodes of “Sex and the City”. I think everyone looks for what that one thing is that pushes them to actually get started, and its good to know we’re not the only ones!


  1. Hallo-WHEN? « lovecitron -

    […] I mentioned earlier, one of my goals moving forward is to do all the things I talk about wanting to do. Autumn is a […]

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